>My life has been utter chaos lately. It’s been nothing but twists and turns, zig-zags and dead ends and then starting over again. I feel like most of the situations that have been occurring are, somewhat, out of my control. There’s a fear instilled within me now that I am unquestionably afraid of commitment. That word itself scares the skin right off of me.
Isn’t that such an easily said word, yet such a hard action to perform? I just went on Thesaurus.com and tried to find other words for commitment and this is what I got:
‘Charge, committal, duty, engagement, guarantee, liability, must, need, ought, pledge, promise, responsibility, undertaking, vow, word.’
My heart sank and my mouth became very, very dry after reading those words. I started to over-analyze it all and then I was hit with an epiphany… I’m only 20. Thank goodness, right? Wrong. As of right now, I am in a relationship that one would call “serious” from a distance, but “too serious” from a close proximity. See, if I were to tell this guy that I wanted to be married to him tomorrow, I would be married tomorrow. Isn’t that scary? Some may say no, because it’s nice to have a guy who cares for you and wants to be with you; however, what if the relationship is just at an unhealthy state? It is at that part where any failing relationship gets to – where the heart of it is barely beating and there’s nothing else to revive it. What do you do then? I literally feel like I’m living in lyrics of a song, two to be precise (see: “Hot ‘n Cold – Katy Perry and “Decode” – Paramore) and with every line of the song, the more true the reality of the relationship becomes.
How does one go about saying “How much longer can we fake it?”
It’s so heartbreaking to wonder how it all got to this place. How we both brought out each others worst and we’re chugging along because we believe it’s what we want. How did it get this way? The insecurities that ride on your shoulder and that you fire constantly, while I’m left feeling like there’s nothing else I can show or prove to you that I have wanted you and only you all this time. I am literally beaten down. The worst of it all, is that I’ve told you this time and time again, but it just brings up another fight. Then it rolls over to my calculation if whether or not I can even explain things to you. How in the world did it get this way?
Commitment. It’s such an ugly word, but I want so badly to believe in it. It shouldn’t be a hard thing if this were meant to be, right? Things should not and cannot be this way. I’m 20 years young and the relationships only seem to get harder up hill, because at this age we’re looking for someone to commit to, not just a fling – unless you’re into that kind of thing. Maybe that’s it though, maybe we all start out ready to commit and once we reach that inner core, we just find out that it’s not something to actually commit to.
I wish things like this were easier done than said. Maybe we’d all save ourselves from heartbreak after heartbreak and the sweeping thought of “What if I am just the neighborhood cat lady?” No one likes that thought. What it comes down to, is that I just have to learn from each relationship that isn’t my commitment just yet; learn the rights, the wrongs, the lefts, the rights, and, eventually, end up on my straight and narrow road.