My thought process has come to a halt lately, and while this is normal for many, I would rather make excuses. For example, an excuse may be one like: Perhaps it is the Band-Aid that wraps my right, middle finger that is stalling me? Right. Well, in light of this all, I am typing with the Band-Aid intact and the hindering it provides is only that of a feeling that I have an overgrown middle finger. Papa middle finger? Okay.
Really, the entirety of this post is to pick at these thoughts that are making themselves too comfortable. By floating, these thoughts take up too much space. By hiding, they become lost. It is all one enigma that I cannot escape, so here I am; I am picking and I am parting these thoughts that feel entrapping. My halt can take its blame on the bed of chaos that I have been wrapped in. It is not the chaotic feeling that one may feel on a restless day; rather it is a healthy chaos that is taking root inside of me. In fact, the word “feel” does not seem fitting in this. It is more than a “feeling”, because this is true and this is real. It has validity. Now the word “it” seems unfitting.
God. “It” is Him. The “feeling” is Him and He is everywhere. Even writing now, it seems so daunting to put into words the things that I am experiencing. This is a part in life to be pinpointed and tacked onto a board, to serve as a reminder to the what’s, the why’s, the how’s and the where’s that will eventually ensue. Because it has been incredibly hard to put into the words how God is working in my life, my writing pulled the emergency brake. I took the time to disengage and to figure out this light that has been shown onto a part of myself that I never knew. I seem to have fallen into a grace where I can be nothing but humble. The humility made its appearance once these questions flooded my mindset:
Do you know what it is like to dislike the person you are?
Do you know what it is like to one day feel so discouraged, because hope was placed in the wrong plug?
Do you know what it is like to crumble beneath the One who can speak to your heart?
I do. These hopes, these dreams, and this life – I had held onto them for far too long. My relationship with God had become stale and every inch was my fault. This revelation told is one that has been swirling in my head and I feel it has gone untold to even myself. I am not who I was. For God showed me that even these words – hate, spite, cynicism, revenge – cannot be held onto as I am running toward His heart; as His heart does not hold these words. No, no. The words that are found at His core are those of love, submission and forgiveness. Teaching myself to be the forgiver, to be the lover, and to be the submitter is a lesson that is learned every single day. This realization seems cliché, but putting all of this into practice in a world that hinders for a career, I cannot begin to explain the bruising caused from this awakened life.
I am bruised here and I am bruised there, but I will push. I will “fight the good fight” and I will “forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead”. As this new person that God is forming me to become, I am taking steps in the direction He has planned all along. I am learning to love God with all of my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. With my thoughts picked and my thoughts parted, my pinpointed mark is made.
“Wake up, O’ sleeper, the glory came through.
The glory shines through. We’re wide awake now.”