I figured that writing this publicly would help in no longer concealing my thoughts behind closed doors; as though I were hiding something. We both know that my words can sometimes come out as inexcusable, and, really, I no longer trust myself in my ability to trap unloving words before they leave my mouth. So, let these words serve as a public apology; a more eloquently shaped “I’m sorry”.
To begin: I love you. I love you a lot.
Sure, I do not show it as often as I could and should. And maybe that’s due to the fact that I have been a little misguided on how to do such a thing. When my own calculations of handling this type of relationship have been confusing from the beginning, it makes it hard to unravel such a messy web. However, I do know that this relationship was created to be on a high level of importance, and just because I hold confusions from childhood does not mean that it loses that level importance.
So, for the times that I have forgotten, I am sorry. For the times that you have misinterpreted our differing opinions to be me believing that I have forgotten that importance, mainly due to my lack of respect, I am sorry. I want, no, need you to understand that this relationship IS important. Just because it faces its trials on many occasions does not mean that it takes a backseat. Instead, we try again and we keep trying at it.
God put us in each others lives in order to learn the roles of our relationship with one another, and just like any other relationship – it’s never going to be easy. But as I have seen other relationships like ours grow and develop into what God has desired to them to become, I look at myself and our relationship and I know something isn’t right.
So what do we do?
I only know that I can work on myself and my actions. I will tell you that I realize on a daily basis how imperfect I am and will always be. How I find that I am not myself without God, and how I am so much more grateful for his forgiveness and patience with me as I fall. Most days I am falling, scraping my knees, getting back up, grabbing a band-aid and beginning again.
Maybe that’s where we should start. Instead of logical explanations and digging through cognitive psychological aspects of this situation – we start with forgiveness. That is, honestly, the only place I know where to start at this point. So, I am sorry. I really am. I know that I am not against you in this; it’s not you versus me. In fact, we are more on the same side than we see and know.
I now leave it to you. I dedicate this post and pray with high hopes that you will understand and forgive me.