This word keeps appearing, trying to find its spot in my life. I feel its digging, poking, and choking me with its grip. I almost feel the letters P-U-R-P-O-S-E wrapping itself around my neck. Twice. However dramatic that sentence is, I believe that I have finally found the source.
Whether it is surrounding Christian’s, friends or merely someone who I follow on Twitter, I find myself comparing my life with their life. To some degree, this is a healthy thing – I make the comparison and feel the challenge to better myself. However, when the degree turns a corner into crazy campus, there arises a problem.
Here I find myself on the crazy campus.
I become this neurotic girl who believes that what I am doing is worthless, and I take buckets of shaded grays to my mundane days. There, I begin to draw the curtains, when I should be able to reach out and understand that God is desperately trying pull them back up. The thing that I forget so often is that God can show me that there is still contentment in these days.
But isn’t ‘contentment’ bad? We have been taught over and over to see contentment as this black hole that sucks the Jesus right out of you. Again, there are degrees to which this opinion applies, but what about being content with the job God has me at for this season? The city He is sending me to for this season?
Often, quite often, do I forget that I live seasonally. God can grow things in my life, given my willingness, and then I can take the pruning, if I am willing.
I think that is why I admire nature so much. There is such a silent beauty to how trees do their thing in the summer, but come fall, they show off what they have been hiding all summer. The range of colors that ignite highways and turn rundown neighborhoods into a thing of beauty. Then we slowly see the painful conflict of the fading colors to this… nakedness. I may be personifying a tree in saying that it has this strange contentment through a harsh winter, but I believe they do. They’re sustained, and I think that I learn something from nature each season.
Through seasons, dreary or too sunny to comprehend, I am to see that those are the moments to learn, grow and proceed. I find that even in writing this, my comparisons do more harm than they do good. I can say that comparisons help me examine myself, but I think it turns more into a jealousy than I would like to believe. What I fail to realize is that all of these people who I am comparing myself to have gone through their seasons. Challenging seasons that I will never know, because I only see the outcome. These people pushed through their seasons, just like I should persevere through mine, whichever way they may come.
I really love Jeremiah 17:7-9, where God so beautifully takes the comparison of a tree to our becoming and says, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Which is followed by, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” and that, to me, sounds a lot like comparison – how, so easily, it can seep in and allow me to deceive even myself.
Ultimately, my purpose is to become. I am Breanna, not Bethany or Julia. God intertwined purpose within my soul to be Breanna and to become the Breanna He desires. I hope you see this, too.