Farewell, 2014

Processed with VSCOcam with g3 presetWell, 2015 is truly here. I cannot believe that it has already been a full year. It is this kind of belief that is the old adage we all grew up hearing, but now live: “Time flies as you get older!” As much as I try to hold on to time through old photos or writing it all down, the tangible moments could never be a safe blanket. It is an impossible wish. Memories are what they are and bear no repeats.

My friends and I most recently had a huge send-off party for someone in our group. We sat around in an attic-like setting, rummaging through old memories with Daniel, pointing and laughing at those very moments that screamed “THIS is it! THIS is life!” Really, we were merely babies finding our first steps into this city together. What I can see now is that the together piece is the most critical piece. We leaned on one another in the rush and chaos, fought with one another when it became too uncomfortable, but found ourselves dancing and laughing and praying together at the end of the day. This night felt like someone hit ‘Play’ on an old recording; any audience could hear the scratches as we all tried to remember in vivid detail.

Going through all of these memories was sweet, but frustrating. Where did the time go? Has there really been such a tangible shift in the past four years? With friend groups moving in directions of dating, marriage, and kids, what lies ahead? In Psychology, per Erikson, this stage of our lives is known as Isolation v. Intimacy. Our 20s through 40s are used to move in and out of what we truly desire – isolation or committed relationships with others. While I lean very much towards commitment, it helps to know these ebbs and flows life, in the ever-changing atmosphere, is just a stage we are all passing through.

And today, as I looked at my journal entry from January 1, 2014, I reflected on the prayer I had for myself. It was one where I asked to reach new depths with the Lord and for Him to do a new work in me. And, well, He did. While my hope was for something “new,” the things brought to light were all of my bad, archived habits, false realities of self-perception … to myself and to others. I went into 2014 with a hopeful prayer, even praying it mid-year again. Expectant to grow, what happened was holy un-comfort. My roots were extended and the weeds, pulled.

At twenty-five, with only grace as a guide, I lost myself and then found myself.

Now, on January 2, 2015, I know it was all worth it. I could not and would not have grown without the journeys through the marshes. I write that my prayer for 2015 is one that seeks consistency in this freedom to be me. I could cry at the thought of how it feels now to know myself on a level that I never knew was possible, and to open my eyes to still find these supportive, loving and caring people in my life. I know 2015 is already holding such sweet moments, and I enter with excitement, ready to watch them unfold. I enter with an understanding that it cannot be repeated, but it can certainly be lived out well and fully.

And maybe that is what it’s all about, the biggest lesson I have learned in 2014. It is loosening the grip of “What happens next?” to finding freedom. Freedom knowing He will move in me and with me … despite what does happen next.

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